Its time.
Yeah, I'll be posting here thoughts that run through my brain. Those of which I can't usher the strength to bother people with simply because, it's shallow, it's stupid and it's just me.
A lot of things are going through my mind lately- mixed emotions, unmet expectations, unattainable wishes and frivolous hopes.
I have a lot of assignments due tomorrow and I have no classes today. Now could have been the perfect time to do them, but I'm too preoccupied to even think about it. I didn't forget, its just that whenever I summon myself to start- my mind pushes it back to one corner of my brain, as if telling me that there are more important things to ponder.
For weeks now, I've been telling myself that I have to fix myself, my life. It's not really disastrous nor demented, I just need the right set of mind and the will to succumb myself to school work sans this lazy attitude.
It's a wonder, really, how I am fully aware that I have tons of work to do (three articles, three outlines, a news program script, an infomercial script and creative report) and yet, here I am, just thinking about you.
But no, I'm not depressed. I'm still tattling along the lines of letting go or holding on- but not in a very dramatic and sentimental way. Its just that if I chose the former, I wouldn't have a need to deal with love and all its crazy antics- somehow I miss being single.. the feeling of happiness, and yet you feel incomplete. But why the hell would I, I'm not despondent. The situation in what we are right now is quite familiar, which is kind of a good thing as it doesn't make me as desperate as I was back then. I could say that I've grown mature, even by just a little percent - because I am now able to view things in another perspective.
Holding on, yes. Instead of demanding much and viewing the scenario as life gone wrong, why not take it as an opportunity- besides, I still have things to do, responsibilities I have to live up to. And I thought, he just entered a new world- why not let him feel and enjoy it? Why do I always have to be the star; we're still young and we have a lot of time left in this world. As long as he's within my reach, I'm happy. Not bliss, and not pretend-happy. But the kind that you feel in your heart whenever he texts, albeit once in a while- which makes you think that you really love the person. Despite the changes, the bullshit and all the works- you're still in love.
I do love the idea of us, I've always imagined it two years back.
I do love him. Because he is the way he is, and he's different from others.He's flawed, he's insensitive and dense, but I love him.
Because he can be so much more, he's proven that to me quite well. And we're still young and we still have a lot to learn.
And maybe after saying all of this, after being able to post this without re-reading the whole context out of fear to be subjected to ignorance of grammar or spelling, after having been able to lay out what I feel in a world I know, but will not know me, I am happy.
Maybe now I can start, maybe now I will.
- M
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